“When I read stories from autistic detransitioners it feels like I'm reading my own story but in an alternate reality.”
ME TOO! And that’s how I feel reading your essay, too. The one silver lining of this whole horrible gender ideology thing is that it has made me feel connected for the first time ever to women like myself- and by extension, to women in general. Now that I’m nearing my thirties and have finally realized I have emotions, know how to engage with them, and know how to talk to people finally, I just want to scream from the rooftops how being a woman has nothing to do with the bs from the “traditional” sexists, OR from the modern, queer-theory sexists.
I have had a similar experience with gender ideology finally connecting me with other women and getting me more interested in women’s matters - and for the first time being able to see MYSELF in women’s matters. Being autistic and feeling so different to the females around me was actually reason for me to try harder to find new ways of connecting and bridging that gap with girls I was so intensely feeling. Instead, I ran in the opposite direction and got so tangled up. Time and ageing brings maturity and a new lens to be able to look back on your life - that, and finding out I’m autistic - I too want to scream from the rooftops so other young girls can hear me and not go through the same. I’m sure that the more of us who speak up and start penetrating the echo chambers, the more women will connect with womanhood through seeing this ideology for what it is. Sometimes it takes big societal shifts like this to engage women with each other.
Thank you for this amazing perspective. But it leads me to ask you a question. I was not your stereotypical girl either, I was not interested in makeup and fashion and talking about boys. I was always curious, intellectual, and athletic. You did not find any girls like this to befriend? All the girls around you were only interested in their bodies and boys? This young female stereotype saddens me, with its narrow and condescending view of girlhood.
I taught middle school for 35 years and met hundreds of intelligent, funny, and confident girls who were fully fine in their femaleness, and not focused on boys and bodies. And, for that matter, I also taught hundreds of boys who had a lot more substance than just being interested in boobs. I hope my experience is not an isolated one. Were you in a small town? Do you know if any other children felt isolated in their own ways?
I think because of my social challenges and trouble understanding others words and intentions, I likely didn't grasp the reality of situations because I had a limited understanding. I would also get very 'stuck' on ideas and would find it hard to get off that track once I was on it. I likely missed subtleties that other people would naturally understand, but went over my head leaving me not understanding the situation or interpreting it wrongly.
I couldn't maintain friendships and relationships so I didn't often have regular contact with people and became more of a drifter - never grounding myself in any social circle or environment.
I never got to know people deeply, and they didn't get to know me, because it was too hard to get past the initial stages in friendships due to my awkwardness and poor social skills.
If we'd known I was autistic and needed support I think things could have been different. But instead, I was seen as difficult and there didn't appear to be sufficient reason for it. People blamed me for not trying harder - but I simply had no clue what I was supposed to do, I was trying everything I could think of. People consistently gave up on me rather than addressing core issues and trying new approaches to communicate with me in a way that would work. I was a lost cause and always 'wrong' - but no one gave me any instructions so I was left figuring it out on my own with no skills to understand.
Autistic people often say that it feels like everyone else in the world has been given an instruction manual to life, except them. Everyone else gets to live in auto whilst us autistic folk are on manual, constantly figuring it out through trial and error and never receiving feedback or being able to build a workable system from it.
Wow, you now have much greater understanding of yourself now than many people I know. I hope you continue to learn about yourself and the different ways we all perceive the world. I wish you all the best. Again, thanks for sharing your poignant story.
Neuro...did you know conversations have rules? I didn't. Found it by accident on wikipedia. There are a set of assumptions (such as that what you say is relevant and true) that help explain some of the gaps other people fill in. This also explains why trying to converse by free association doesn't work.
As an autistic female myself, I also relate to not fitting in with boys and girls my age. I also grew up as a gender non conforming female, and I experienced a lot of discrimination for it. I decided to start HRT and being my gender transition to live socially as a man. I’m hoping to live a better life as man, one where I’m respected and appreciated as person and not one where I’m seen as threat to both cishet and LGBT people.
Something I’ve noticed is that the gap between gender and biological sex just keeps getting wider and wider. Now people are describing gender as an internal feeling that’s separate from anatomy. My only sense of femaleness is derived from my anatomy, not internal feelings. It’s really frustrating because if gender is a social construct, then how can it exist as a feeling? I’m sure there are lots of people who have a better internal sense of gender than me. I definitely believe gender is a social construct (biology sex isn’t), but I’m skeptical of gender being a feeling in the sense that emotions are feelings.
I really like what you said about gender being described as a feeling like emotions. It has become so separated from our anatomy and reality, making men and women distinct categories unlinked from our bodies. Which makes it impossible to fully grasp. It's become a concept in the mind. And our minds are incredibly intelligent and can go so much further than the physical reality our bodies ever can. Minds are endless, but we can't "take our bodies with us" on that journey. Our bodies just exist and our mind is what takes us on journeys through life. The huge gaps in connection we're going through with these social constructs is getting bigger and bigger like you say.
I wonder that the idea we often hear of an internal sense of gender being "who you really are" and that it's literally true you can be born in the wrong body is an unmanageable feat to try to fix, whereas the socially constructed meaning of gender roles is more easily grasped and tailored to. I think a shift away from believing we are mysterious beings trapped inside wrong bodies and instead into a less devastating existential concept about ourselves and acknowledging it is the socially constructed ideas we are trying to attain is somewhat healthier.
I hope your transition can bring what you need without the disconnect, and can give you the sense of life you want without the discrimination and past struggles you've faced. I understand the drive for it.
I'm not sure I've explained that well, I've not tried to put that into words before.
Thank you. It has taken me a long time to be able to articulate it, even to myself. I felt so responsible for my errors in judgement I couldn't bare to think about it deeply, but seeing such a flood of young autistic girls on this trajectory I've felt the push to learn to describe it.
I know what you mean about being too mad to continue writing. I tried many times and had to abort, and then felt 'just the right amount of mad' one day. X
Powerfully described! Every struggle you've had resonates with me but perhaps I did not have to feel, think and fight as hard to make my way through it because I am not autistic. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you. These struggles are quite common I think and are being amplified due to this ideology, creating extra barriers to gaining sanity in these distressing situations
Very well-expressed. It’s so sad that schools are such horrendous places for many kids and also that medicine has taken the unethical path of offering plastic surgeries, such as breast augmentation and frankly mutilating surgeries and treatments (“gender-affirming care) to “help” people “feel better” when all they’re really doing is exploiting vulnerable, distressed, confused kids and young people, often with horrendous consequences down the track.
That young autistic people get caught up in the gender scam at disproportionate rates just makes the whole thing even more disgraceful.
“When I read stories from autistic detransitioners it feels like I'm reading my own story but in an alternate reality.”
ME TOO! And that’s how I feel reading your essay, too. The one silver lining of this whole horrible gender ideology thing is that it has made me feel connected for the first time ever to women like myself- and by extension, to women in general. Now that I’m nearing my thirties and have finally realized I have emotions, know how to engage with them, and know how to talk to people finally, I just want to scream from the rooftops how being a woman has nothing to do with the bs from the “traditional” sexists, OR from the modern, queer-theory sexists.
I have had a similar experience with gender ideology finally connecting me with other women and getting me more interested in women’s matters - and for the first time being able to see MYSELF in women’s matters. Being autistic and feeling so different to the females around me was actually reason for me to try harder to find new ways of connecting and bridging that gap with girls I was so intensely feeling. Instead, I ran in the opposite direction and got so tangled up. Time and ageing brings maturity and a new lens to be able to look back on your life - that, and finding out I’m autistic - I too want to scream from the rooftops so other young girls can hear me and not go through the same. I’m sure that the more of us who speak up and start penetrating the echo chambers, the more women will connect with womanhood through seeing this ideology for what it is. Sometimes it takes big societal shifts like this to engage women with each other.
Thank you for this amazing perspective. But it leads me to ask you a question. I was not your stereotypical girl either, I was not interested in makeup and fashion and talking about boys. I was always curious, intellectual, and athletic. You did not find any girls like this to befriend? All the girls around you were only interested in their bodies and boys? This young female stereotype saddens me, with its narrow and condescending view of girlhood.
I taught middle school for 35 years and met hundreds of intelligent, funny, and confident girls who were fully fine in their femaleness, and not focused on boys and bodies. And, for that matter, I also taught hundreds of boys who had a lot more substance than just being interested in boobs. I hope my experience is not an isolated one. Were you in a small town? Do you know if any other children felt isolated in their own ways?
I think because of my social challenges and trouble understanding others words and intentions, I likely didn't grasp the reality of situations because I had a limited understanding. I would also get very 'stuck' on ideas and would find it hard to get off that track once I was on it. I likely missed subtleties that other people would naturally understand, but went over my head leaving me not understanding the situation or interpreting it wrongly.
I couldn't maintain friendships and relationships so I didn't often have regular contact with people and became more of a drifter - never grounding myself in any social circle or environment.
I never got to know people deeply, and they didn't get to know me, because it was too hard to get past the initial stages in friendships due to my awkwardness and poor social skills.
If we'd known I was autistic and needed support I think things could have been different. But instead, I was seen as difficult and there didn't appear to be sufficient reason for it. People blamed me for not trying harder - but I simply had no clue what I was supposed to do, I was trying everything I could think of. People consistently gave up on me rather than addressing core issues and trying new approaches to communicate with me in a way that would work. I was a lost cause and always 'wrong' - but no one gave me any instructions so I was left figuring it out on my own with no skills to understand.
Autistic people often say that it feels like everyone else in the world has been given an instruction manual to life, except them. Everyone else gets to live in auto whilst us autistic folk are on manual, constantly figuring it out through trial and error and never receiving feedback or being able to build a workable system from it.
Wow, you now have much greater understanding of yourself now than many people I know. I hope you continue to learn about yourself and the different ways we all perceive the world. I wish you all the best. Again, thanks for sharing your poignant story.
Neuro...did you know conversations have rules? I didn't. Found it by accident on wikipedia. There are a set of assumptions (such as that what you say is relevant and true) that help explain some of the gaps other people fill in. This also explains why trying to converse by free association doesn't work.
As an autistic female myself, I also relate to not fitting in with boys and girls my age. I also grew up as a gender non conforming female, and I experienced a lot of discrimination for it. I decided to start HRT and being my gender transition to live socially as a man. I’m hoping to live a better life as man, one where I’m respected and appreciated as person and not one where I’m seen as threat to both cishet and LGBT people.
Something I’ve noticed is that the gap between gender and biological sex just keeps getting wider and wider. Now people are describing gender as an internal feeling that’s separate from anatomy. My only sense of femaleness is derived from my anatomy, not internal feelings. It’s really frustrating because if gender is a social construct, then how can it exist as a feeling? I’m sure there are lots of people who have a better internal sense of gender than me. I definitely believe gender is a social construct (biology sex isn’t), but I’m skeptical of gender being a feeling in the sense that emotions are feelings.
I really like what you said about gender being described as a feeling like emotions. It has become so separated from our anatomy and reality, making men and women distinct categories unlinked from our bodies. Which makes it impossible to fully grasp. It's become a concept in the mind. And our minds are incredibly intelligent and can go so much further than the physical reality our bodies ever can. Minds are endless, but we can't "take our bodies with us" on that journey. Our bodies just exist and our mind is what takes us on journeys through life. The huge gaps in connection we're going through with these social constructs is getting bigger and bigger like you say.
I wonder that the idea we often hear of an internal sense of gender being "who you really are" and that it's literally true you can be born in the wrong body is an unmanageable feat to try to fix, whereas the socially constructed meaning of gender roles is more easily grasped and tailored to. I think a shift away from believing we are mysterious beings trapped inside wrong bodies and instead into a less devastating existential concept about ourselves and acknowledging it is the socially constructed ideas we are trying to attain is somewhat healthier.
I hope your transition can bring what you need without the disconnect, and can give you the sense of life you want without the discrimination and past struggles you've faced. I understand the drive for it.
I'm not sure I've explained that well, I've not tried to put that into words before.
So much of this is my story too, -- thank you for getting this into written form, I keep trying and get so mad I can't continue with the writing.
Thank you. It has taken me a long time to be able to articulate it, even to myself. I felt so responsible for my errors in judgement I couldn't bare to think about it deeply, but seeing such a flood of young autistic girls on this trajectory I've felt the push to learn to describe it.
I know what you mean about being too mad to continue writing. I tried many times and had to abort, and then felt 'just the right amount of mad' one day. X
Powerfully described! Every struggle you've had resonates with me but perhaps I did not have to feel, think and fight as hard to make my way through it because I am not autistic. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you. These struggles are quite common I think and are being amplified due to this ideology, creating extra barriers to gaining sanity in these distressing situations
Drat I just left a long reply to this. It has gone. If it does not reappear I will rewrite it. This was highly educational.
Very well-expressed. It’s so sad that schools are such horrendous places for many kids and also that medicine has taken the unethical path of offering plastic surgeries, such as breast augmentation and frankly mutilating surgeries and treatments (“gender-affirming care) to “help” people “feel better” when all they’re really doing is exploiting vulnerable, distressed, confused kids and young people, often with horrendous consequences down the track.
That young autistic people get caught up in the gender scam at disproportionate rates just makes the whole thing even more disgraceful.